The Cycle

To wrap things up, I'd like to explain my thoughts on my family. And finally, I'd like to examine myself to see how I match up.

I see my grandfather's domineering personality in all 8 of his children. They may not be as upfront about it, but it's there. And it's not completely a bad thing. It gives them drive to be successful and assertive. But it also kind of hurts me to see these people I love tainted by such cruelty. And they're passing it on to their kids. The phrase "my way or the highway" might as well be my family motto.

I personally think it stems from their feelings of helplessness during childhood. Maybe since they were told what to do and how to think for the first 18 years of their life, they built up a defense against other people's point of view. Or maybe it's because it's all they know.

To make things worse, they all want their siblings to use the same parenting style they do. It's maddening to see them have conversations with each other. They all agree and nod and shake their heads at all the right times, but I know for a fact that they'll be bitching about the other siblings parenting style later on. Why can't anyone compromise? It's what drove my uncle and a few of my cousins away. It just might drive me away too.

I can't help but feel alone among them sometimes. I think so differently and I want to be nice and have a good time, but I can't help but cringe sometimes at the things they believe. And the worst part is that it's rubbed off on me. I've caught myself being arrogant and domineering to my friends. I feel like shit afterwards. I love my family so much. They've always been there for me and it kills me to say this, but it's the truth:

I don't want to be like them.